By Barbara Dickinson

Practice: "What touched me in your story?" 

If you would like to listen to the audio version of this blog post, you can find it on YouTube.

This Week we are going to look at the next unique feature of relating with Interactive Focusing, the Interactive Response, where the Listener becomes the second Focuser and asks inside, “What touched me about the story of the first Focuser?”. 

Quick Review 

But first, a quick review: We have looked at the first of two turns or exchanges of focuser and listener. We've talked about Focuser as Storyteller and Focuser as Teacher. We have examined in detail the double empathic moment, where the Listener holds inside how it is for the Focuser and gives back a symbol from what has formed out of that understanding of another.

Our Theme: Listening to Understand

With each successive feature of Interactive Focusing, we are maintaining the theme of listening to understand rather than the cultural norm of listening to respond. This is a crucial point in our explorations of interaction. It is entirely likely that we can only improve our relationships with other humans if we seek to understand. And that is why our explorations of interaction are so important, because they are based on a method that is applicable and teachable for real improvement in human relating. 

When the Listener Becomes the Focuser

So what is this "Interactive Response"? It is the transition from the first turn to the second turn of a complete Interactive Focusing exchange. The first turn is complete. As the Listener becomes the second Focuser, they go inside to explore what has touched them about the first Focuser's session. 

To Resonate? Or Not? That is the Question!

In traditional or classic Focusing, and many of its derivatives, this kind of resonating or relating is consciously avoided. Although Gene Gendlin declared that we are interaction first, he did not necessarily put forth the idea that a Listener could take what affected them in the first Focuser's session and make it the basis of their own Focusing turn. Many Focusing professionals would have their students or clients set aside or disregard what might come to them as they perform the function of Listener.

Building Relationship

The developers of Interactive Focusing, on the other hand, viewed it as crucial to relationship building that the Listener would have an opportunity to address what comes inside them. That is what the Interactive Response provides – an opportunity to be with how it is when the Listener transitions to become the second Focuser. 

Got Conflict? Stay Tuned!

Later on, we will consider the application of Interactive Focusing to a conflict between two people. In that case, the ability to resonate with what touches us from the other’s story is vitally important. This is what begins to build the bridge of understanding how it is for another person, even when that person is someone with whom we have a conflict.

What if Nothing?

Back to an ordinary Interactive Focusing exchange, it is of course possible that nothing will be evoked by the first Focuser's session. In that case, the second Focuser finds what it is they wish to work on in their session and proceeds. If something is touched by the first session in the Listener/second Focuser, they must nonetheless be cautious not to talk about it in a way that is critical, judgmental, or otherwise detrimental to the first Focuser. Focusing sessions must always, first and foremost, be safe spaces.

Use Whatever Comes

The Interactive Response only takes a few moments and does not have any specific script or prompt other than the second Focuser goes inside to find what may have touched them from the first Focuser’s session. The second Focuser proceeds with a topic that is either following on what they have held for the first Focuser, or something new and different upon which they wish to work.

How to Practice

If you would like to practice the Interactive Response, you can do that in any Focusing session, with the agreement of your partner. It might be helpful if your partner reads this post first, to understand what is the goal of the Interactive Response. It might also be helpful to practice the Interactive Response across two Focusing sessions, so each of you has a turn. In this case, you will notice that it is important to take turns as the first Focuser, as this is how you both can have a chance to try the Interactive Response.  

One Thing Worth Noting

The Interactive Response without the first “Single Wing” of Interactive Focusing may seem very much like “listening to respond” instead of “listening to understand”.  This is an important observation! It may be helpful to have this explicit conversation between partners, to make the commitment that the first Listener is attending to the Focuser, and not to their own response to what they hear. The Interactive Response occurs after the first Focuser’s session comes to a close. That is when the Listener, in becoming the second Focuser, “switches gears” and notices what has come inside. 

What about Ordinary Conversation?

Can you use the Interactive Response in an ordinary conversation? Yes, but carefully! It is important that the person with whom you are conversing understands that you want to try something that might be new and perhaps unusual. Equally important is offering to try the Interactive Response by taking turns -- both of you have a chance to try it out. Assuming your aim is listening to understand, you will have to demonstrate that first, before trying the Interactive Response. It helps to show interest, understanding, seek clarification, and anything else to demonstrate listening to understand before noticing what is touched inside. 

Questions?

If any of this prompts a question or a comment, we would love to hear from you. Use our Contact Form at the bottom of the page to reach out.

Up Next

In our next blog post, we will complete the second Focusing exchange – two Focusing turns with an Interactive Response in between -- and preview the Relationship Check that comes at the end of a full “Double Wing” of Interactive Focusing. In the blog post after that we will talk in detail about the Relationship Check. 

Until next time!

• Our Monthly Virtual Changes Meeting schedule is here.
• Watch our Demonstration of Interactive Focusing with Sandy and Barbara here.
• Read more about Exploring Interaction here. 
• Resources about Interactive Focusing are found here. 
• You can read the latest from Sandy about Smartview Conversations here.