Practice: Relationship Check - The Dreaded and Desired Interaction With Another

By Barbara Dickinson

If you would like to listen to the audio version of this blog post, you can find it on YouTube.

We are close to having the complete description of an Interactive Focusing session. In this post we are looking at the Relationship Check, which is the last feature. Next time, we will put everything together to give you a detailed description of the entire process, including examples and exercises, in just 9 blog posts.

Right now, let us make a closer examination of the Relationship Check. In the last post we gave a preview, which you can reread here.

Janet Klein, PsyD, who developed Interactive Focusing with Mary McGuire, PsyD, described the Relationship Check in her book, "Interactive Focusing Therapy" published in 2001.

"...the model includes a relationship check which I call an anomaly in relationships – the feared and simultaneously desired checking in with one another to see where you are in the relationship with each other and with yourself in this new moment after having shared yourself so deeply." (page ii)

In another branch of Focusing, TAE, we work with paradox, that which is, and is not, at the same time. The concept of paradox, and the ability to hold those at the same time, are helpful to our understanding of what Janet Klein was describing. (For more about TAE - Thinking at the Edge - start here.)

In the workplace, for example, there is often dread around the time of annual performance reviews. If we knew that all the feedback was going to be positive, we would not feel such dread. The possibility of negative feedback, and our reactions to it, are paradoxical. Simultaneously, we want to know and we don't want to know. 

How is that for you?  It could make a useful topic for a Focusing session.

At this stage in our learning journey, we keep the Relationship Check positive, basing it on what we admire in our partner. But as you become better acquainted with this feature of Interactive Focusing, notice how a Relationship Check might be used when there is something not so positive that needs to be brought to the surface between two people. We will explore that further in future posts.

Right now, you might take a moment to bring to mind a recent Focusing partnership session, or a recent conversation with a close friend or family member. Imagine you're sitting with the person right now, and ask yourself, “How was I in my body sense at the beginning of my interaction with this person? And how am I now?” 

This is an opportunity to sense into our own well-being, and contrasts with the second half of the Relationship Check, in which we use our body sense to discern how we are with the other. 

First, gently ask the question inside "How am I now compared to how I was at the beginning of this session?" And let whatever wants to come make itself known. 

In an Interactive Focusing session, you can share a little or a lot of what comes to you with your partner as you see fit, and as time allows. For the purpose of this exercise, when you are remembering a past interaction, it is fine to just make a note of whatever came.

Then ask the second question "How am I with my partner now?" Some people do this as a comparison from the beginning of the session or conversation to the end. Some people do it as a point in time, simply asking "How am I now with the other person?"

Here are some phrases to go with that question that can be helpful:

• Here is what I appreciate about you… 
• I am grateful for [something] about you.
• Here is what I admire about you…
• I value [this] about you.

As you begin to use Interactive Focusing in your own life, start out with a positive approach to the Relationship Check. This does two things.

• First, it helps us practice "an attitude of gratitude" which is helpful to maintaining health and well-being.
• Second, it reinforces the value of the relationship to each partner.

The Relationship Check is meant to be brief – a sentence to answer each of the questions. At the same time, it is a reflection upon the depth of being that is shared, in particular in an Interactive Focusing session.

For those who are fortunate enough to have a regular practice of Interactive Focusing in their lives, it is quite possible for the Relationship Check to become a high point of the day. That is what Janet Klein likely meant about the desire for it. Combined with the Double Empathic Moment, perhaps you can already sense how this dynamic can have a profound impact on our relationships. 

One question that has been raised is "Why do we have a Relationship Check only at the end of the session? Why not at the beginning of the session?" It is a great question!

Some Focusing partners like to try new things, and this is certainly one such thing that is ripe for an experiment. Worth noting, it could be difficult to have a Relationship Check at the beginning of a session with someone we just met. It might take a few sessions before we have enough understanding of the other person to express an appreciation, but it should not take very long.

We have tried it in sessions where the people just met and Focused together, and that was enough for them to develop an appreciation that they were able to express in the Relationship Check.

Imagine a world where all of us are tuned in to what we might offer by way of appreciation, admiration, value or gratitude in relationship with another person. And now imagine a world where that happens with those we are close to, who can also be the ones with whom we have the most conflict. Such delicious food for thought!

BIT

We have now completed detailed descriptions of all features of Interactive Focusing:

• Focuser as Storyteller
• Focuser as Teacher
• Empathic Listening and Reflection
• Double Empathic Moment
• Interactive Response
• Single and Double Wings
• Relationship Check 

Questions?

If any of this prompts a question or a comment, we would love to hear from you. Use our Contact Form at the bottom of the page to reach out.

Seen on a Road Sign

This is our new feature where we offer something interesting and related to our explorations of interaction. For this post, we are looking at an article called “Radical Resonance” by Susan McConnell, MA, CHT. It seems to me there is a strong connection between her “Radical Resonance” and what we are doing in Interactive Focusing, especially the Double Empathic Moment. Her explanation is like opening a door to better understand what empathic essences are all about. 

Up Next

In our next blog post, we will put it all together so that you have a detailed description, Including examples and exercises. 

Until next time!

• Our Monthly Virtual Changes Meeting schedule is here.
• Watch our Demonstration of Interactive Focusing with Sandy and Barbara here.
• Read more about Exploring Interaction here. 
• Resources about Interactive Focusing are found here. 
• You can read the latest from Sandy about Smartview Conversations here.