By Barbara Dickinson

Practice: Focuser as Teacher, Empathic Listening

If you would like to listen to the audio version of this blog post, you can find it on YouTube.

In our last blog post we talked about the Focuser as Storyteller. In this blog post we are going to talk about the Focuser as “Teacher”.

The Meaning of Focuser as Teacher

Focuser as Teacher means that the Focuser lets the Listener know how they would like to proceed. For instance, would they like a "Lead In" (or attunement, as some call it)? How would they like to be heard, reflected? Would they like any suggestions or guidance? And so forth. The Focuser “teaches” the Listener what they prefer, what works best for them.

The other day I was listening to a conversation about… Listening! The speaker was talking about how they were trying to help someone, only to have that person say at the end of the conversation, "I just wanted you to listen to me!"

Setting Intentions in Interaction

We talked about this a bit in a previous blog post about "listening to understand versus listening to respond ". Of course a Focusing session is not an ordinary conversation, but the idea of being able to tell another person how we would like to be heard and understood seems like a step in a good direction. It might be nice if all our conversations started with setting intentions.

Pause a moment and notice what comes when you ask yourself, how does that idea feel to you?

Focuser as Teacher is all about setting intentions.  We often say, "The Focuser is in charge." Some of us are trained as Focusing guides, but the Focuser for whom we are Listener may not always want guidance. And that is perfectly fine! Setting intentions at the outset of an interaction fits in our explorations of interaction, works in traditional Focusing sessions, and can be helpful in any other kind of interaction.

What is Empathic Listening?

We also talk about "Empathic Listening".  In our explorations of interaction we are emphasizing empathic listening because, in a later step, we are going to give back a symbolic expression to the Focuser of how we held how it was for them in our own felt sense. This is called the “Double Empathic Moment”, and it requires empathic listening in order to work.

We believe that we have to listen to the Focuser with empathy in order to truly sense how it is for them.

So what is this thing called empathy?

What the Word Empathy Means

Empathy is one of those words for which different people can have different meanings. In the first instance, it is sometimes confused with sympathy. These two are very different.

Empathy is feeling what another person feels. Sympathy is feeling compassion towards a person who is in some kind of distress. They may be grieving, they may be in pain, they may be angry, they may be sad.

I can be sympathetic towards anyone who is having strong feelings, without having to feel the feelings myself. But if I am empathic, I am feeling what they are feeling.

The topic of empathy deserves a lot more attention than we can give it here. We encourage you to seek out more sources for understanding empathy.

For our purposes, it is enough to say that empathic listening is something any Listener can do with their Focuser. It is particularly important in our exploration of interaction based on the method Interactive Focusing. 

Do’s and Don’ts for Empathic Listening

Here are some do’s and don'ts for empathic listening. 

• Do bring your presence to the session with your Focuser. 
• Do recognize that empathy is a human skill which we all have to some degree. You may not find that you strongly feel another’s feelings. In this case, it is ok to “act as if”, especially in the beginning. For more on “acting as if”, see the comments after this section.
• Do maintain a boundary between what is yours and what belongs to the Focuser. You may find that you resonate with the Focuser’s situation, or you may find that you can listen empathically, but with a little distance between you and the Focuser’s situation.
• Don’t make any demonstration of the emotional quality of the Focuser’s situation. Simply reflect.
• Don’t judge, give advice, offer solutions, make comments, provide feedback, or share what comes for you while you are the Listener. Simply reflect, unless you and the Focuser agree in advance that suggestions are welcome.
• Do allow how it is for the Focuser into your own body sense to rest there while you complete listening to the Focuser’s session. 

Coming Soon! The Double Empathic Moment

In our next post, we will introduce the “Double Empathic Moment”, which is the method by which the Listener forms a symbol for the Focuser out of how the Listener held the Focuser’s situation in their own body sense. (For our purposes, we use “felt sense” and “body sense” identically.)

What Do We Mean By “Act As If”? 

It is ok when you are beginning to develop empathic listening to ask yourself, “How would I feel if I were in this person’s situation?” See what comes. Does it resemble what the Focuser is offering as the emotional quality of their situation? Or their felt sense? If it does, that is a good start to empathic listening.

If it is very hard for you to even imagine how it would feel, then perhaps you can listen to the Focuser’s story and description of the felt sense that goes along with the story. Imagine you are reading a novel or watching a movie of that experience, and “try on” the feelings “as if” they are your own. 

What if I am Very Empathic?

Some people are very empathic. For these people, it can be challenging if they are feeling the Focuser’s feelings strongly. In this case, it is good to have a practice of shielding, or buffering, oneself from strong feelings in another. Just “sample” the feelings of the Focuser, without taking on the full strength of those feelings. Using your imagination, create the protective something that helps you be with the Focuser without being overwhelmed by their feelings.

What’s next? 

In the coming days, one thing to notice is any instance where a speaker is heard by a listener (in ordinary conversation), and the listener really “gets” the speaker. How could you tell that the listener really gets it? And notice any instance where it is apparent that the listener did not get the speaker. What was the clue or the sign that the listener did not get how it is for the speaker?

And one more thing: notice in your own conversations if the person listening to you seems to get it for you? Or does not get it? And ask yourself, What intention might I set at the beginning of the conversation to help the listener really get me? If it seems right for you, try setting an intention for a conversation with a real listener, by asking them for what you want. For example, you might ask, “Please just listen to me.” Or “Please let me know if you have any suggestions about my situation.” 

In our next blog post we will talk about the “double empathic moment”, also known as the “golden moment” of Interactive Focusing. This practice of symbolizing by the Listener for the Focuser -- felt sensing another person's essence and forming a symbol -- is a unique opportunity to improve relationship with another person. It is an amazing experience and we look forward to sharing it with you!

We are super excited about our first Monthly Changes Meeting for Exploring Interaction, happening on March 17, 2024. It is listed on our calendar of courses.

It is also listed on The International Focusing Institute event page.

And you can find more resources for Exploring Interaction at this link.

Until next time!  

• You can find our Monthly Changes Meeting schedule here.
• Read more about Exploring Interaction here. 
• Resources about Interactive Focusing are found here. 
• Read Sandy’s latest Newsletter here.