By Barbara Dickinson

Practice: Felt Sensing Another Person's Essence, Forming A Symbol

If you would like to listen to the audio version of this blog post, you can find it on YouTube.

In our previous blog posts we have talked about the overall process for the Interactive style of Focusing, Focuser as Teacher, and Focuser as Storyteller.

It is Time for the Double Empathic Moment!

Today we are going to talk about the “Double Empathic Moment” in Interactive Focusing. The originators of Interactive Focusing called this the "Golden Moment", and with good reason!

What would the world be like if…

Imagine if everyone listened to each other with curiosity, compassion, and reflection, instead of judgment, advice, solutions, or criticism.

Imagine further that the response of the listener was a deeply considered and compassionately delivered symbol that they had formed inside from their own felt sense of the speaker.

The world could be a very different place!

How is it for you really?

A recurring theme in these posts is listening to understand instead of listening to respond, and that is exactly what the Double Empathic Moment is designed to do. There is an elegant structure to it that invites us to immerse ourselves as Listeners in how it really is for the Focuser. Of course we have only their words and perhaps their body language to go by. But that is enough!

We talk a lot about the role of the Focuser in our earlier posts -- Focuser as Storyteller and Focuser as Teacher. Now it is time to talk about the Listener!

What is it like to be the Listener?

In traditional Focusing partnerships, there is generally an understanding that the Listener remains neutral to whatever they are hearing from the Focuser. They may have their own bodily responses to what they are hearing, but those are not invited into reflection or suggestions the Listener may offer to the Focuser. 

The originators of Interactive Focusing decided to address the relationship aspect of partnership through the form of Interactive Focusing. While the Listener at first offers the same neutral reflection and suggestions (according to the Focuser’s preference), when the Focuser comes to a resting place, the Listener then invites the Double Empathic Moment for both. 

The Listener’s Moment

In this moment, the Listener offers the Focuser a specific form of what comes from their role as Listener. The Listener sits quietly with what they have heard. Noticing how they hold that inside their own body, letting a felt sense form, and noticing if something symbolic comes along with that felt sense, they then offer that symbol to the Focuser.

Symbols can be images, sounds, gestures, or any other (preferably brief) expression of the Focuser’s essence as held by the Listener.

Simple but not necessarily Easy

On a personal note, when I first learned the Double Empathic Moment, I found that it was fairly simple to explain it, but it was not so easy to achieve it. That is simply because our cultural norm is to reply to someone we have just heard with our own experience, or advice, or solution to a perceived problem, or even judgment, or criticism, although these last two are not necessarily conducive to compassionate interaction.

The key to the double empathic moment is holding the essence of *how it is for the other person*. That is very different from how it is for me. 

If the symbol fits, “wear it”!

Once the Focuser has heard the symbol, they have the opportunity to hold it inside, see if it resonates entirely, or in part, or not at all. It is a hallmark of Interactive Focusing that the Focuser does not have to accept the symbol. And that is not a criticism of the Listener! 

A metaphor for this might be trying on clothes. I might like the way a particular piece of clothing looks on the rack, but when I try it on, it does not really fit me. And that is OK! What is important is that each of us has the opportunity to say what is true for us - what fits. 

Try this Exercise alone

If you would like to try a small exercise, you do not even have to hold a Focusing session, or be actively engaged in a conversation. The next time you are listening to someone speaking, see if you can notice what is the essence, or crux, or key point of what they are saying for them. 

Further notice how they seem to be holding that crux: is there an emotional quality? If you are in person, is there body language? Or it may just be the words that they are using that give you an indication of how they are holding their topic.  

Notice, when you go inside to your own inner world, what is it like to hold that inside you? How is it for them? Notice if a symbol forms, and perhaps just make a note about it in your journal, or simply be with it. 

How is this experience different from everyday listening?

Try this Exercise with a friend

If you would like to try this with a partner, either in a Focusing partnership, or in an everyday conversation, you can use this suggestion:

Take turns as speaker and listener. As you listen to the speaker, see if you can notice what is the essence, or crux, or key point of what they are saying for them. Further notice how they seem to be holding that crux: Is there an emotional quality? If you're in person, is there body language? Or it may just be the words that they are using that give you an indication of how they are holding their topic. 

Notice, when you go inside to your own inner world, what is it like to hold that inside you? How is it for them? Notice if a symbol forms, and offer it to the speaker gently. There is no need for either the listener or the speaker to comment on the symbol. Just give it and receive it. 

You might also notice, how is this experience different from everyday listening?

When you are ready, change roles for a second turn. 

We would love to hear from you if you care to share your experience of this exercise!

In Closing

This is a very good start at explaining and “dipping a toe in the water of” the Double Empathic Moment. It is going to take more than one post to do justice to this “Golden Moment” and its enormous potential for supporting relationships, addressing relational discomfort and conflict, and so much more. 

In upcoming blog posts we will continue with the Double Empathic Moment, and then talk about the next steps in Interactive Focusing:

• FAQs about the Double Empathic Moment 
• The Interactive Response, where the Listener becomes the second Focuser and notices what touched them about the first Focuser’s experience
• The Single Wing, which is the first turn, and the Double Wing, which is first turn and second turn of Focuser and Listener in Interactive Focusing
• The Relationship Check, which is the closing of the Interactive Focusing session.

The Next Virtual Changes Meeting for Exploring Interaction

Virtual Changes Meetings for Exploring Interaction occur once a month on the third Sunday, in two time slots to accommodate as many time zones around the globe as possible. The next date is Sunday, April 21, at 11 AM Eastern DS time and 7 PM Eastern DS time, for 90 minutes, all on Zoom.

To register for one of our Virtual Changes Meetings For Exploring Interaction click this link.

Until next time!  

• You can find our Monthly Virtual Changes Meeting schedule here.
• Read more about Exploring Interaction here. 
• Resources about Interactive Focusing are found here. 
• You can read Sandy's latest newsletter here.